The Increasing Idiocy of Consumer Products

From phony labels to impenetrable packing, life in the 21st century

I know, I know. First world problems. (Children starving in ____ fill in the blank). But I don’t live there, and I wouldn’t live there, so let’s deal with here.

And here is a mess. I’m not talking politics. I’m talking daily living. Yes, I am older. But all these problems cannot just be due to age.

First, have you noticed that they have made all products in packages smaller? Remember when a damn Ding Dong was a Ding Dong, and two filled you up? (We’ll get into taste in a minute). They have reduced the size of these things to half-smoked cigars, and thought you wouldn’t notice. Or cereals? When you open a box of Frosted Flakes what do you see? A BAG with half of the box size inside. The cheating little perverts at General Mills and Kellogg think we couldn’t tell if we run out of cereal after two servings.

Probably the worst real effect of this, though, is in baking. All you bakers out there know what I mean. Your purchase jars and packages of everything from vanilla to cocoa to walnuts to canned fruits based on that little thing called a . . . RECIPE! Back in olden times when elves and dwarves ruled the land baking goods manufacturers actually established servings based on common recipes! (I know, odd elvish tradition). Now how many of you have purchased an additive for a cake or pie only to find out you were an ounce or two short? You look on the label, and those little scabflecks have reduced the quantity of common baking items so you have to take a calculator with you to shop to figure out how much extra you need to buy.

I can tell you right now that if it could be done, Mrs LS would have a military tribunal and invoke judgments of torture—-like having to listen to Billy Cyrus or watch Jeopardy for 10 straight hours—-for those who engage in this packaging malfeasance.

But quantities are the least of our worries. Have you tried to actually access some of these products? I got an allergy medicine in capsules in some sort of aluminum sheath that neither Thor’s strength or Wolverine’s claws could penetrate.

Perforations? We don’ need no stinkin’ perforations. I literally have to get my sharpest fingernail scissors to extract a single capsule. But the perforations perfidy extends to bills as well. Yes, I am of that generation that still believes in writing checks. I’d use pelts if it was still cache. At any rate, the perforated line on the CITI statement works . . . except it is a millimeter below the fold in the envelope where the envelope naturally wants to tear. Consequently half the time I’m relegated to using scissors. (Helpful hint: One of the best things Mrs LS ever did was put a pair of scissors in EVERY. SINGLE. DRAWER. IN. THE. HOUSE! The amount of inconvenience this saves is mind-boggling. But back to packaging . . .

Yesterday she brought me an aerosol paint can for her crafts. She has MS, and had a stroke five years ago and has no problem doing multiple Pure Barre classes at the gym. But her hands are somewhat damaged so I get opening duties.

I sprained my wrist trying to open this one. You need a heavy workbench with major visegrips, and two people, to get this stupid can open. Be prepared these days with an acetylene torch, tweezers, tinsnips, and needlenose pliers when you are ready for lunch!

Or soups. They put these little crumpets or croutons in an “easy open” container on top of your soup can (which does open easily, cuz it has a ring). But the little container? Prying it off is like trying to unclench the jaws of a pit bull.

Our cars beep at us constantly, for leaving things in the back seat, for changing lanes without their permission, for the seat belt, for backing up for failing to observe a pedestrian sign. God I’d love a 1970 Chevelle now.

And a big bag of original, GOOD TASTING Ding Dongs that don’t have the residual plastic from the South Pacific as a coating.

Oh well. I guess it’s better than a big bowl of dirt.

Larry Schweikart

Rock drummer, Film maker,NYTimes #1 bestselling author

Link for Patriot’s History Vimeo

Link to buy larry a coffee

http://buymeacoffee.com/larrys